Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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