He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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