I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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