I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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