I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
