she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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