I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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