i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
