I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
