are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
