ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
