sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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