her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
