She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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