Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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