I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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