why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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