did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
