I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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