K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
