Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
