I think I won the penis lottery.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
