You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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