false alarm. still invincible.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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