I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
