I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
