Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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