If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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