I think I died a long time ago.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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