they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
