Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize