it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
