Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
