i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
