y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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