Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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