I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
