He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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