The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize