I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
