hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
