So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
