Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
