My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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