God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
