Only a mothe r could love this liver
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Someone signed my nipple.
You left your phone here
Wait...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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