If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
