good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
