i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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