Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
