Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
