i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
