he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
