So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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