me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
