I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
We left the knife in your bed.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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