some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
