So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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