Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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