I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
