Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
