I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
