Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
