Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
