something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
