shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I have tasted many bathrooms
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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