my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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