Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
