i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
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