I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
