i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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