remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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